i don't enjoy this driving. it's rather far.
and rather pricey. thank goodness for gas going down.
at least somewhat.

i've been thinking about drinking a lot more lately.
i haven't had a drink in a year or two.
is this what work does to you?
sap away your energy and make you want to be an alkie?
perhaps.

i don't particularly enjoy working saturdays.
who works on the weekend? really?
rhetorical question.

grammatical structure?
screw it.

i'm just sleepy.
when'd i become so crotchety?

and here i sit. watching 'about a boy.'

I am Ibiza, indeed.

Went to watch the Dark Knight last night.  Stood in line for two hours so we wouldn't get crappy seats.  I liked it.  Unfortunately, they were having a Justin Guarini concert.  What an aural abortion that was.  Bah.  It's still in my head.
Also, he murdered Huey Lewis and the News.  Power of Love?  More like Power of...something.
....
I haven't written in a long time. 

Long live the LQTM.  (Laugh Quietly To Myself)

Because how many of us really laugh out loud heartily as the LOL makes it seem?

That's the first time I've written LOL in like a year. 

And I just did it thricely.

THRICELY.

So, it's been a long while.  A very long while, I think.  What has it been, maybe four months?  Maybe.  I don't think I've changed much.  Grown up much.  I think I'm still the stupid little kid I was ten, fifteen years ago.  Everyone's grown up, it seems.  I'm still perpetually childish.  Not to say that it is bad.  Just saying....what's wrong with change?  Don't know why I'm so scared of it.  Isn't that what I always talk about?  Always tell myself?  But when push comes to shove (cliche and a half!), I still falter.  Can't say I'm grown up yet.  Still have some more to work on.

Life is...hectic, right now.  School is grinding me away.  Work just wastes my time, but it's easy money, so I can't complain.  Doesn't stop me from it, though!  But school is draining me.  I can't keep up.  No matter how hard I try.  Though I can't say I've tried that hard yet.  My fault, really.  I gotta say, it is exciting right now, though.  I'm supposed to be starting work on a project at school.  Two hundred and fifty pages of scientific articles to run through.  It's gonna be days of reading.  Half of it I barely understand.  The other half I barely retain, heh!  But this could be potentially exciting.  We'll see.  If we do good on this project, we could really get known out there.  Well, known to the maybe tens of people that follow the biochemical pathways of moss.  See, here's a dilemma.  I do good work on this project, I get to publish a paper.  I get this paper published in a scientific journal.  This paper would be like a ticket into grad school.  Well, conceivably.  But it's still about moss.  We were originally going to work on HeLa cells.  What are HeLa cells?  We'll let Dinosaur from Dinosaur comics do the explaining. (I gotta warn you, I had to edit the picture so it wouldn't mess up the borders I've made on the page. I'm a shallow bastard.)

Ok, so as he totally awesomely explained, HeLa cells keep replicating and replicating.  Frickin' awesome, huh?  Well, yeah, so we don't get to work with them.  The incubator we were supposed to grow them wasn't set up in time, so we couldn't order the cells and now it's too late.  But it isn't too late for moss!  Fun.  I know, I'm complaining a lot.  But that's just me.  I'm venting it all out.  I am gonna be excited to be running this experiment with my group, though.  This will actually be my own little project.  So that's very cool.  Imagine.  Me?  A Scientist.  Yeah.  Exciting, though.  Getting to cut up DNA, and marking it and finding fragments of DNA that do what we're looking for them to do.  We could possibly discover something that no one in the world has yet.  That's always gotta be exciting.  But keep in mind, we're still talking about moss.  So, I gotta remember to keep myself grounded.

Other than that, things have been good.  My brother left for college a month ago, just about.  I assume he's been having a good time.  Heh, out from under the parent's umbrella.  I remember that feeling.  Sorta.

Haven't really spent any time with anyone at all, recently.  I wish I could.  It's just so busy.  That, or I'm so tired, I just don't want to see people.  I hope I don't turn into this when I start an actual job.  Or maybe I do?  Hmmm.  Jokes jokes.

I can't really complain too much about everything.  Anything bad that happens is only my fault, so really everyone's been great.  Even you.  You know who I'm talking to.  hehe.  So, for those of you who care, I know I rarely say it and I always seem like I'm just aloof.  I know I tend to disappear.  Tend to get out of touch and not bother keeping in touch.  That's my fault, really.  I just want to say thank you for just sticking around.  I've been kind of a butt-bag of a friend.  And I really really appreciate your being there.  Thanks, guys.  I heart you all.  Even you, Nittany.  wooha.

Peace out.

Found this while in SF. It says all I wish I could say. But still doesn't quite capture it. Go fig.

Apart from that, I just really liked how the picture came out. It was one of my better attempts at photography. Hack that I am.

Well, it's your birthday soon.  In two days.  Or, if you want to get technical about it, one day.  And I'm excited about it.  I haven't been around for many of your birthdays.  And the ones I was around for, I don't think I even did anything for you.  That sucks.  You always did more for me than I did for you back then.  I suck.  But it's different now.  I'm lucky enough to be around.  And I'm not gonna miss it for anything.  I'm gonna do my best to make up for all the stupid crap I pulled and just the way I treated you before.  I don't think I'll ever be able to make it all up to you.  But I will try my best to every birthday, ever day count.  And don't worry, this isn't going into that territory you hate so much.  This isn't that.  This is just something I need to write.  To remind me.  To remind you.  That you're important.

Happy birthday, you.  I wish I could be there to tell you myself.

i remember when i used to have imagination.  when funny ideas or thoughts would come to me (well, funny to me).  when i could come up with a story and just bang it out to somebody.  when i had creativity and something else i can't remember the word for.  see?  see how hard it is to come up with an adjective?  a bloody adjective?  but it's ok...i suppose when we lose something, we gain something else.

well, what is that something else then, dammit?

lately, it's been just one big puddle of blah.  can't say it's anyone's fault by m'own.  i'm just lazy now.  after work and cleaning up in the house and whatnot, i just don't have the energy to go out.  it's lame, but i just don't really feel much like it anymore.  i suppose it started after the accident.  i just stopped wanting to go out.  i just wanted to stay at home and just yeah.  but it's not so bad, though.  i get to talk to you every night, hey?  i know, you're like "gee, wonderful."  but it is.  i know you get irritated and angry a lot, but you know, i probably wouldn't change any of that.  not at all.  because, it's you, you know?  you have no idea.  but yeah.

other than that, there's not much else.  go to work, go home.  sleep.  rest or just go out maybe once or twice a month.  and wash, rinse and repeat.  or something like that.  i'm ok with it, though.  sometimes, i die of boredom, but never for long.  and you know, it all works out.  so, i don't really have much to complain about, y'know?

and i'm really blank now.  so, this is it for now.

Back for another update, I say.  Not too much to really add, huh?  I lead a mundane life.  Doesn't really add up to much that is interesting.  Maybe that's why I can't keep anyone's attention for more than a few moments?  Heh, possibly.  Finals are upon me.  Two on Tuesday and one on Thursday.  They're gonna be hard.  But I've been studying and hopefully, it pays off, yea?  Yeah.

"This is my mixed tape to her.  It's like I wrote every note with my own fingers."
So, I'm working on a mix tape.  I used to think you just throw random songs on a cd and give it to someone and that's the end of it.  But I was wrong.  It's much more than that.  It's your voice.  It's a message you want to convey to the person you're making it for.  You could put the same songs on a cd, but it still wouldn't be the same.  Each person will hear it differently.  At least, that's what you want.  The cd has to comprise of songs that say something.  That tell the person what you want them to hear.  That's what makes it so special.  It's your message to them.  It's everything you want to say, but you never could.  The one I'm currently working on, I want to be good.  I know I don't make a big deal out of them or anything like that, but they are extremely important to me.  And that's why I make them.  They're me.  They're what I feel and think.  They're the words that I'm unable to form.  And this way, it's like I'm giving you a part of me.  As corny as that sounds.

Everyday is a new chance.  To make right what's not right.  To change the unchanging.  To love the unloving.
I am grateful for every chance I get.

i'm posting this from school. it's much hotter than i'd like it to be. i'm kinda sweaty and whatnot. and bored. have maybe an hour till class. make that 40 minutes. still waiting for it to start.

i come to school, and i'm starting to get hungry. now i realize i have no money. because my wallet is at home. somewhere.

i bring everything to school. except my wallet. and i'm hungry. which means i'm gonna be cranky. VERY cranky. gah. what now? i don't know. just sit and wait.

so, in other news....hmm. so, things are ok on the personal front. we're still talking. though she yells a lot now. wonder what i can do. we'll have to see. aren't surprises wonderful? and awesome? wondersome, i call them. have some things in mind. just need to see if they work out. her birthday is in two months. wonder what i'll do. maybe nothing? hah, not likely. but we'll see what happens. indeed.

hmm, this keyboard is kinda gross. i can tell the "u" key is used quite often, and the "delete" key is too. i don't need to use the delete key ever, cause i never make mistakes. ever.

just kidding. i made like 49 mistakes just now. you have no idea.

i've been having trouble sleeping. i try to...but i just lay there and stare. no rest at all...i drift off somewhere around 3 usually, then wake up at 7 or 8 usually then lay in bed paralyzed until 9. which is bad because i have class at 930 a handful of days. i also need to get up to check up on my grandmother and see if she's taken her medicine and whether or not she's eaten. which usually makes me late to class..which means i tend to miss class once in a while because my 930 class has to be the shortest class ever. sometimes i'll get in there and he'll lecture for 20 minutes then call it a day. how great.

but yes. sleeping. trouble. something's bothering me, i think. or at least it's stickng in my mind. i don't really know what.....but it makes me uncomfortable. a little down. unfinished. makes me feel weak. but yea. who knows what it is....it's like i have dreams every so often, and i can see it in my dreams.....what's bothering me. well, almost see it. it's more of a blur. something i can't quite make out. just a phantasm that haunts me. how lame.

and to you. i haven't really said it in a while. and you probably don't wanna hear it. that's why i don't say it. but i will here.
no matter how it might seem or how i might act..know that you are always in my thoughts. you mean more to me than you could know. and i spend every day thinking of how i can make things better for you. if only i knew how. if only i could, you know? doesn't stop me from trying. maybe one day i'll be good enough. but for now, i'll try my very best to be what you need, or at least be someone you can rely on anytime.

ok, so that's enough of that. time to drag myself to class. keep on rockin.

I can't remember the last time I felt this tired.
It's mind numbing.  It is. 
I don't remember ever feeling this hollow, either.

You wanted me to go back to how I was before you. 
To go back to the old me. 
Unfortunately, I can't do that.  I can't go back to who I was.
Not after you. 

Before you, I was a mess.  Unfocused.  Unmotivated.  Confused.
So many things.
But after you, things became clearer.  I had a goal.  I had a focus.
I had someone who made me want to become better.
You made me want to be a better person. 
Someone who could deserve you, maybe.  One day.

So, I tried to change.  Still trying. 

And you tell me I'll be ok.  That I was ok without you before.
But the truth is, I wasn't.  I screwed up by turning away from you.
I lost out on something so important.  And I wasn't ok.  I was miserable.
I just didn't know it. 

I know it now.  It's hard to picture a life without you in it. 
I don't know how I did it before.  I can't imagine that anymore.
And now you tell me that I'll be fine without you again.
That I'll be ok.  I just don't see it.

You're telling me that I'll be ok without you.
I can't imagine being anything without you at least in my life.

This is what I wanted to say.  I didn't know how to say it.  I still don't quite know how.  But..this is a start.

And yes, it does hurt.  All of me.


My god, I'm emo.  I hate this.

my heart is dying.

Today was another one of those days.  This gnawing feeling in my stomach the entire day.  I was nervous, and anxious.  I seemed paranoid or something...haha.  My friend told me I looked like I'd been beaten or something.  Heh.

Tried to study today.  It went ok.  I only got through a chapter before I lost focus.  I tried to regain it the rest of the day, but well, it never came back.  The rest of the night was then spent sitting around.  Trying to get work done, and randomly calling you.

I hope everything's ok, yeah?  And it must have been annoying, huh?  I wish I could have been with you.  Be with you, hm.

I have three covers of Just Like Heaven.  Six covers of I Melt With You.  I like covers.  Well, only if they're done right.  We all remember My Chemical Romance's butchering of Under Pressure, don't we?  Yes, we does.

And here I wait.  For only you.

But I'm not.  I can't sleep.  I'm just sitting away my time.  Studied most of tonight.  Don't really want to think about anything anymore.  But well, we all know how that tends to work out.

Been waking up earlier and earlier lately.  Not sure why.

It's been making me really tired lately.  But it still doesn't stop me from sleeping at like 1 in the morning.  Go figure.

I still need to shower.

My neck is killing me.  And so is my chest.  Well, no, not so much my chest.  Just my neck.

Not much seems to go on in my head anymore.  It's like I can't think about things.  Nothing serious, anyhow.  When did I become so lame?

It's a curious thing.  Insecurities.  They've just gotten in the way so many times.  And messed up so many things.  And I let them.  I don't know better, I suppose.  Or maybe I'm just that stupid.

I've screwed up a lot.

Feels like I'm doing it again.  And I can't afford to.  Hmm.

I dont know what it is.  Usually, I'm much more optimistic than this.  Usually, I don't let it get to me like this.  Mmm, who knows.  Maybe it's just a phase.

Or I'm just tired and frustrated from studying.  Tonight was one of those nights.  Just a whatever day.  But you always make it better.  Even if you're not awake to realize it.

If only.

An update.  An update.  I can't really seem to think of anything really worth writing.  Well, not anything fun or interesting.  I should actually be studying right now.  But, well, obviously, I'm not.  There are a lot of things I should do, you know.  Lots of this and that....but, it's not necessarily what I want to do.  You should know what I want to do already, hey?  Yeah. 

Let's see.  So, today was rainy.  Like really rainy.  It didn't let up the entire day.  It was nice.  Just what a rainy day should be, you know?

When I got home, I sat in my car for twenty minutes.  I didn't want to get wet, so I sat in my car.  Waiting, thinking maybe the rain would let up.

And I just sat there.  And you know what I was thinking about?  I'll give you one guess. 

I talked to you almost all day yesterday.  I should have been studying.  But I didn't want to.

It didn't matter next to you.  I realized that not much does.

I know you don't like to hear about it.  And so, I'll tone it down.  Just for tonight.

Class was a bore.  Pardon me as I go technical for a moment in describing how boring lab was.

Today's lab was cell counting.  Last week, we had made 0 molar glucose solution.  So, basically, it was purified water and phosphate buffer.  Along with some vitamin water and yeast.  We grew a culture of yeast in this zero molar concentration.  Three other groups grew yeast in three other concentrations.  0.11, 0.22, and 0.44 molar glucose solutions.  The yeast were then autoclaved and incubated for varying amount of times to see what concentration and incubation time yields the best culture growth.  This week we took the culture growths and counted them.  We dropped 20 microliters onto a hemacytometer and proceeded to count the number of differentiated cells.  On each slide, we counted just about 8,000 yeast cells.  This was just an estimate, we had to convert from milimeters-cubed to mililiters and find a cells per mililiter total for each concentration.  It was tedious...and boring.  I counted probably 8,000 or so yeast cells alone...everyone else was just about the same, too.  So boring.  It took a hell of a long time.  And all for what?  Who knows.  I was told this would build character.  Which led to me losing count.  Which led to me building more character.  Yep.  Fun stuff.

Otherwise, yeah.  I realized I spent more time talking to you than with anyone else this weekend.  And I realized this might have been the best weekend I've had in a while, too.  Coincidence?  You'd say it was.

You truly are amazing, though.  And if you don't know that, then you better start, hey? 

I'm not going anywhere.  There's nowhere else I'd rather be.

You take care of of everyone else already.  So, let me take care of you.  No questions asked, nothing in return.  Just let me.

Not sure where that came from.  But that's what I want.  I don't say it ever, or anything.  But, it's what I want to do. For you. 

Why am I doing it?  Because I want to.  Because I'd be doing it anyway.  I'll do my best to see that you're happy.  Even if it's momentary.  Because, that's the most I can do for now.  So let me do what I do.

I'm almost done with it.  Should be finished by tomorrow night, or so.  And then I'll get it to you on Monday.

I will not falter.  I will not doubt.  I will be there.

And I will not hurt you again.

Ok.  So I read it.  I read it all.  My eyes are a little dry now, and they burn just a little bit.  But I'm still reading it.  Twice, three times.  Four times.  Just reading it.  Over and over.  Reading what I already knew, but had kinda hoped wasn't true.  I mean, I already know how you feel.  You've told me already.  And I completely understand, too.  I heard what you said and I took it in.  I honestly did.  And truthfully, I don't expect anything.  I know better than that.  What I'm feeling...I will continue to feel.  I do know that.  What I feel for you isn't gonna change.  Not anytime soon, if ever.  I know you hate hearing me say that.  I know the thought of it disgusts you, makes you angry.  That you feel like your heart is dying.  But you also know that it's not something that you can just hold in.  It's not something you want to hide or keep inside.  It's alive.  And it fights to get stronger.  Always.  I'm sorry for whatever frustration I do cause though...but I can't win against it, you.  I can't just turn it off and not have it get in the way sometimes.  It just won't.  And you know, I don't know what to do.  I honestly don't.  I don't even know what I'm saying, I'm so confused.

I know that I've hurt you before.  That I've done some things that should never be forgiven.  But you did.  And I don't know how.  Sometimes, I don't know if you really did or not.  Because I don't know if anyone is that good.  And for everything I've done to you, I don't deserve to even be where I am with you.  What I did was just..it was scummy.  It was low and sometimes I don't understand why you even talk to me still.  How you could stand to hear me or anything.  I don't know.  I wonder to myself sometimes, but I never have the courage to ask that. 

And that whole love thing.  I know that he's important.  That you loved him.  Love him.  And that you have your good and bad days.  And that you don't tell me everything about how you're feeling.  About how you miss him.  About how you still want him.  I know that.  Sometimes I can hear it still.  I can't say it doesn't completely crush me, but I also can't say I don't deserve that, either.  I know you may never feel that way about me again.  There will always be that doubt.  There'll always be second guesses.  Because, well....I did it once...it wouldn't be too much a stretch of the imagination for me to do it again, right?  And as much as I hate it, I know it's all true.  Every decision we make leads back to us.  Has rammifications.  Consequences.

I know I'll never deserve your love.  It's much too precious to be wasted on someone like me.  You say it's gone away, it's hidden away deep inside.  And it doesn't want to come out.  Not anytime soon.  But I do know that it'll come back.  That it'll be someone truly deserving of you who can bring it back.  Someone who can make you happy.  Someone who can take away your pain, even if only for a little. 

You deserve so much more than you know.  Knowing you has made me better.  And you don't even realize that, I bet.  You're such an amazing person.  You don't even realize it.  You're so wrapped up in everyone else, you've hardly given yourself enough time to see how far you've already come.  You've done so much already, but you can't see it because you see yourself through this cracked mirror.  Your goodness, your beauty, your incredible spirit....you just don't recognize it.  You say you hate what you've become.  Don't.  If anything, love what you've become.  Because what you've become is the person I'm in love with.  If that makes any kind of sense...You're so used to being put down, or being told you're less than what you really are.  You're much more than you think you are.  And capable of even more than that.  I've told you before, I don't think there's anything you couldn't do.

These feelings I have...they do get in the way sometimes.  They bring me up.  They bring me down.  But but, I will never ever let them get in the way of what's truly important.  You.  I won't let them bring you any sorrow.  Believe me at that.  I've told you before what I want most, already.  For you to be happy.  That's all. With me, without me.  All that isn't important.  It's that you be happy.  Just to be truly happy.  And to stay happy.  And I'll do everything I can to try and make that happen.  I'll wait however long it takes.  Don't even worry about me.  Because I've already readied myself for it.  I'm gonna be there for you, anytime you need. 

Ok, so this post has degenerated rather quickly...it's getting late and I'm losing it, probably.  But basically, be who you are.  And let me do my best to take care of you any way I can.  Unconditionally.  Even if it has to be one-sided.  I know that there will be hard days.  Days where you won't want to get up or even wake up.  Know that I'm there.  And that I'll remain there to do whatever it takes.  I may not understand the situation.  I may not understand your pain...not always, but one thing I can do is make sure you're not alone in it.  To make sure someone's there to hold your hand and tell you everything will be ok.  I'll always care.  Even though I may act childish or immature about it.  I will. 

Like the song says. 
Wherever you go, I will be waiting
Whenever you call, I will be there
Whatever it takes, I'll make your darkest days so bright

I know, a little cliched.  And so played out.  But I wanted you to hear the song for a reason.  Like how I want you to hear all the things I've given you before.

Hmm, this has become a veritable novel, hasn't it?  I'm pretty sure I messed up in there somewhere.  Said something I didn't make clear.  Left out something very important. 

Just realize.  See yourself how I see you.  Just for a moment, and you'll get it.  You'll get it like I get it.